my own silver lining

I haven't so much as seen you in a month. I start to feel you fade. I start to feel that I. Am.Finally.Over.You. But.Then. I see you across a crowded room with hundreds of people between us, our eyes meet for the briefest of moments, I see the tiniest bits of angst there (or did I just imagine it?) and the walls that I have built around me come crumbling down. Each time I see you, it hits me like a shock wave that I.Am.Not.Over.You.Yet. And the process of building these walls starts again. Knowing that a mere glance from you could and probably would tear these walls down. Again.

I have been coming across a lot of blogs where people (mostly women, although the odd time men too) talk about their exes and how much they continue to miss them. In some instances these people are married with kids and several years have spanned since the breakup with their "ex" and yet they continue to pine for him/her. Reading all of this is not very reassuring for someone trying to get over hers. It scares me. What if that's me? What if a few years from now I'll still pine for you even though I know you weren't right for me and things would have never worked out with us.. There is a good chance of that happening, of missing you, of longing for your touch, of that butterfly feeling. But I have learned that there is more to life than the butterfly feeling in my stomach. And no matter what, that feeling doesn't last forever. But mutual respect, admiration and friendship can last a lifetime. And I didn't respect you. For all the things you did, for the way you treated me. For the way you went about your life selfishly. So even though I started off with liking you, respecting you, admiring you and loving you..in the end all that was left was just love. The respect and the admiration were lost somewhere along the way. The love stayed, and perhaps still does today.

When you let someone in the deepest part of your being, they reside their forever never leaving. And perhaps never letting anyone else take their place either. After fighting this fact for months I finally accept that you will forever live in a part of my heart and never leave. I.will.never.forget.you. And that is a fact I have come to terms with.

For the longest time I was angry at God/Universe for bringing you into my life, especially if that means a lifetime of pining and restlessness and emptiness. But the other day it occurred to me that perhaps you were an essential part of my journey that we call Life.

I have learned so much about myself in the last year and half that I would have never been able to learn otherwise:

1. I started to see a therapist - something I should have done a long time ago, and even wanted to do but was never brave enough to do it. I have numerous struggles and issues stemming from my childhood and teenage years and I am finally working with a therapist to sort them out.

2. I have more realistic expectations from relationships - before you, the only man I had ever loved treated me like a princess. He respected me, loved me, adored me,I trusted him with all my heart. It didn't work out with him but he made me think that every man is like him. That all relationships are like this. That no one plays game. As naive and stupid as it sounds, I didn't even know of any dating games. I was honest, I expected you to be honest too. Just like he was. I didn't see a reason to lie about our feelings, holding things in. But you taught me all of the perils of dating.. the scheming, the manipulations, the lies, the tricks. You made me aware of what could be lurking out there in the world of dating.. I was living in a bubble that my ex had made for me before you came into my life. You made me see life outside of that bubble.

3. Sex/lust/chemistry - I was willing to think that emotional intimacy alone is enough to build a successful relationship. I know now that while physical intimacy may not be as important in a relationship, it cannot be overlooked entirely. You really wanted me, couldn't get enough of me, and that was quite an aphrodisiac. I want to be able to have that again someday.

4. I am stronger today than I was a year ago - I have gone through hell and back in the last year, not unlike the rest of my life but this time I thought I was going to break under all that pressure. And for a while I thought I did break. But guess what, I am still here. Unbroken and hopeful.

5. I realize how important security is in a relationship - I didn't realize its importance until I didn't have it. Before you, I never felt insecure in a relationship and so I took that feeling for granted. You made me realize how important that feeling is for me.

6. I sank really low to accommodate for you. I let you treat me very poorly, let you lie to me, let you make me feel inadequate. I gave up on my beliefs and values just because they didn't jive with yours. Never again am I letting another person do this to me.

7. I am more empathetic now - until you came into my life and subsequently departed I didn't even know what heartache was like. You made me more appreciative and understanding of what people go through when their heart is broken and trust is shaken. That it isn't something people can snap out of or move on. It takes time to rebuild a broken heart, to have faith in relationships again.

8. I started blogging - it was one night several months ago when I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I'd go crazy. And I wanted to speak to someone. But I had no one I could speak to at 3.30 am in the middle of the night. And that's when I vented my first post. And since then blogging has come to mean so much to me. The people I have "met" through this medium are nothing short of extraordinary. Their support, encouragement, kind words, friendship have meant and continues to mean so much to me. Their stories are inspirational. I have discovered a world which perhaps I never would have if it wasn't for the heartache you left behind.

9. I know and understand, and appreciate myself more - you started me on a life long journey of self-awareness for which I'll forever be grateful. I really had to look inside me long and hard to figure out why I let you treat me so poorly. To take accountability for where I went wrong in that relationship.

I still feel a pinch in my heart once in a while I am but I am finally in a place where I can see the silver lining in all of this. I am no longer looking back, I no longer have any unanswered questions. And even though I am not sure if I'd be able to love anyone else with as much passion and intensity as I once did, I still have hope. And for that I am thankful.

Good times

Yesterday night was my graduation ceremony. For the last 3 months I had been going for training every Tuesday and every Saturday to be a Crisis Responder with the local Crisis Center. I didn't talk about it before because I wanted to make sure I was able to complete the training and pass the exam. And that's exactly what I did yesterday. So I am now officially a Crisis Responder. There were 29 other volunteers who were on training with me, some cops, some social workers, some retirees, and some from other professions. After the exam and the graduation party we all went to a bar to drink a few and celebrate..

Over the course of this training some friendships have been formed very much unlike at the Red Cross. I have been volunteering at Red Cross for almost 3 years, and I have enjoyed it tremendously but except for a good working relationship with my peers no friendships have come out of it. Besides, I didn't join Red Cross or the Crisis Centre for social networking. So I am pleasantly surprised with the bonds I have already formed with my peers at the Crisis Center and technically we haven't even started working together yet. I am guessing part of the reason for the connection is because of the kind of training we got. When EMS gets called in situations like assault, domestic violence, suicide, homicide, fatal accidents, etc.., a team of Crisis Responders are also dispatched to the scene. While the EMS staff is there to take care of the investigation or medical needs, the sole responsibility of the Crisis Responders is to take care of the immediate and short term needs of the victims and their families - including grief counseling and taking care of their practical needs. Needless to say the bi-weekly 3 hour training sessions used to be very intense. We even got to share our own personal experiences and stories; connections and friendships were bound to happen.

So as I was saying, after a grueling 2 hour exam, we all went over to a bar to celebrate. Whereas the mood at the training used to be very somber, the mood at the bar last night was quite festive. I guess we were all glad we had made it through the training. I can't tell you how much fun we all had. I have definitely bagged myself two really friendly and lovely friends to have girls night out with. And out of nowhere these guys who were just friendly during the training were actually quite flirty with me.

There's Mr. Social Worker, Mr. Tall Cop, Mr. Nerd Cop and Mr. Accountant.

• Mr. Tall Cop - definitely the most pleasing to the eye, and I can see that he'd be pretty wild in the sack.
• Mr.Social Worker - the most into me and wanted to know so much about me, about why I moved to Canada, about my school years, everything. He even got a little jealous when he noticed Mr. Tall Cop chatting me up.
• Mr. Accountant - he was nice, friendly but he may be a few years younger.
• Mr. Nerd Cop - I have had an eye for him for a long time.. he's one of those guys - not strikingly good looking at first glance but the kind of personality that grows on you.. that's the kind I usually go for ... very shy and quiet at first but opens up as you get to know him. I feel a tug when I am around him. He is hands down my favorite of them all.
  

I probably sound very 19 yearish and juvenile talking about these guys but when you have had the kind of year that I've had, it doesn't take too much to get excited..

If I let myself think of my ex Mr.Hyde it doesn't take long for me to start missing him and our time together. It has been 10 months since Mr. Hyde and I broke up but this is the first time in 10 months that I feel like I am ready to date again. That I don't want to date because I should, or because it will be a good distraction but I want to date because I just want to. I have finally started feeling attracted to other men. I can finally start to feel him fizzle out of my head. He isn't completely gone but I can finally start to see his place in my heart and my mind getting smaller and smaller. And that's no small feat my friends - anyone who's been hurt in love knows all to well how long it can take to heal a broken heart..

I know none of these guys have long term potential.. And normally that would deter me from pursuing anything at all with a guy but I am not going to let that come in the way this time. There is also the good old adage: Never date someone you work with - done that and got burned badly. Granted I don't work with them, but I do volunteer-work with them so I am going to make sure I don't get things get out of hand. It's been way too long since I have even so much as held a guy's hand. I want that feeling of closeness. I want to go see movies, dine out, cook together, all the fun dating stuff. Even if it's not meant for long.

Even if nothing comes out of it, no date, no movies, nothing at all, it was still good to know that I can have fun and be attracted to men that are not Mr.Hyde. That alone is a cause to celebrate..

To my American friends reading this, Happy Thanksgiving!

she has been a bad girl!!

Bit of TMI, probably a bit crude, may offend some readers.. so consider yourself warned..

Here's the thing: I have been really horny lately. You know how they say men think about sex every 6 seconds well that's me these days and I have a feeling that most men I interact with on a daily basis and even the ones I run into by accident can probably sense it from a mile away - that would explain the recent outburst of (sometimes unwanted) male attention.. but this post isn't really about that - that will come later, may be..

On Friday, I was in a meeting at my company's head office (which is in a different city from where I normally work) with a few clients, all of whom I was meeting for the very first time. You have to know something about where I work..in all of my time that I have worked here I very rarely come across good looking men... or I should say unattached good looking men. It is such a rarity that when one of the guys walks in to the meeting yesterday my jaw dropped.. I think my tongue may have been sticking out and saliva dripping out of my mouth. If I had to tell you who he who liked like, I would say he was a cross between Mc.Dreamy and Mc.Steamy from Grey's Anatomy (speaking of which, I wonder why they don't use these names on the show any more). Now, with my sex-always-on-my-mind brain it was almost impossible for me to concentrate on the meeting - this a meeting that I was co-chairing with another person. I had to have it together.. But no matter how hard I tried, my mind just kept playing its dirty tricks on me. I was mentally undressing him - imagining what it would be like to kiss him, making out with him. I wanted to climb on top of the boardroom table to go over to where he was sitting and just start making out with him. In my head I totally fucked his and my brains out.. I was surprised at my own thoughts because I can't recall ever having such strong feelings of lust towards any stranger. It's one thing having these thoughts about your boyfriend in a crowded room - that I admit to, but quite another to have these thoughts towards strangers..

People tell me I have a very transparent face - that I can't hide emotions very well.. So you can only imagine what kind of looks I was giving this guy while I was doing it with him in my head (not to mention the 6 other people in the boardroom). A very teeny tiny part of me felt that it wasn't one sided - I could sense some tension from his side too. But then it's hard to be objective with my brain being so obviously oversexed. Another part of me was also very happy because this was the first time since my ex that I actually felt attracted towards another man - that itself felt like a huge bonus.

In case you are wondering, the meeting went well in spite of the lack of cooperation from my brain. I'll only see this guy once more for another meeting that's coming up next month during which I'll be having a little too much fun again but nothing more will come out of it, I don't want it to. It just felt good being bad, if you know what I mean..

and she cannot believe that she's actually publishing it..

Beautiful Morning

It is a beautiful morning today.. and I am feeling good.. I stopped by at Starbucks on the way to work and got my venti tea - my daily staple. I decided to treat myself and also got myself a lowfat blueberry muffin..mmm!! I feel like I have a grip on things this morning. That this is just a phase and it will pass, and already feels like it is passing..That I am gonna be OK.. Not sure how long this feeling will last but I am happy it is here and I'll take it for as long as I can get.


I just remembered something from last week that I feel like sharing - you'll probably see multiple entries of this post in your reader cuz I reposted a few times - sorry. Last Friday we were celebrating Halloween at work. I decided to dress as a teenage witch - kind of like a witch in training. I didn't want all the drab paraphernalia of the witch - so I was wearing a short black skirt, (as opposed to a long one with cape) black boots and a very nice black hat to go with it. I let my long hair loose and had on bright red lipstick. I thought I looked pretty sexy - which is a very rare thing for me to feel these days. This was the first year I decided to dress up so everyone in the office was a little surprised... anyways, just as a joke I was trick or treating around the office.. one of the senior managers walks by my office and like I was doing with everyone else, I say to him trick or treat. He says he had no candy to give me, smiles and walks by.. but then he comes back and plants me a wet slobbery kiss (on my cheek) and says you have your treat now - don't you? and then says you are too pretty to be a witch.. and walks away.. I was shocked.. he's such a reserved, well behaved quiet guy normally that I did not expect something like this from him at all..

So, there's my story.. just thinking of it today was making me smile - that day I was too shocked to smile..

Have a good weekend everyone.. I am going to a friend's 30th birthday party celebration tomorrow - really looking forward to it. no matter how miserable I am, dancing can very easily change the mood I am in - and there is going to be lots of it tomorrow..

Confession

I have a confession to make. I called him. The him who's love I have been pining for, for the last nine months. The him I have been trying to get over for the last nine months. The him who didn't care for me all that much when we were together. That's the him I called last night and spoke to for almost an hour. I cried, I told him I was lonely. I told him I missed our friendship. I said so many things I shouldn't have. Once I let go of the restraint that I had been keeping for the last few months so many things came out of my mouth that just should not have. From his side, I didn't get anything more than a sympathetic but a distant ear. I don't blame him. He's happy in his life. He's having a good time, he's moved on. He didn't even have to talk to me.

As for me? Well, I don't think I have ever felt quite this lonely. At this very moment I have not one person I can think of who'll be able to understand what I am going through and give me a hug. I spoke to my mom, and my best friend, but somehow their reassurances over the phone just weren't doing it for me. I can't even escape this darkness with alcohol because all that does for me is make me even more depressed. Is this what one feels like when they are at the brink of a nervous breakdown?

The loneliness is very real, very physical. I feel it in my stomach, I feel it in my heart and there is no escaping it. No matter how sad I have been in the past, I can usually create a fantasy world in my head and just go live there until I can come back to the real world and deal with the problems. But I don't even have that comfort anymore. No matter how hard I try I can't create that imaginary world in my mind anymore. It's just darkness everywhere.

I have lost it people. And yes I sound morbidly hopeless but please let me be. Let me let it all out here. I can't vent in the real world. I can't cry in the real world. I can't express feeling of hopelessness in the real world. So let me speak freely here. Don't ask me to cheer up as that will only make it worse. Please don't judge me..or even feel sorry for me.

I was probably 11 or 12 when I last had suicidal thoughts. But I outgrew them. I realized that no matter how hard life is, it is far too precious and beautiful to just throw away like that. I am having suicidal thoughts again. No, I never actually tried to hurt myself nor will I do anything right now. I am far too chickenshit to even attempt anything like that. But the hopelessness I feel right now is so bad that it does make me feel like my life isn't worth living, that I don't matter... and that's a very sad state to be living in.

I am ashamed to be writing this post. I am ashamed to be feeling the things that I have been feeling. I am ashamed that I can't be happy and grateful for all the good that is in my life.. A friend's sister, who's only 44 is dying in a hospice right now. I told my friend how sorry I was yet inside my head I was only feeling sorry for myself. That's how selfish and insensitive and horrible and all other bad words you can think of, this loneliness is making me.

I am not religious so I can't even turn to God. I know what I am looking for is right inside of me. The strength that I need right now is somewhere hidden inside of me. I know I cannot continue to feel like this forever. At least that's what I am telling myself. May be I am wrong? But may be, just may be, I am not...

is your glass half full or half empty?

I am an eternal pessimist. But if you knew in real life, you would think that I am the most upbeat positive, friendly, smiley person you have ever met. Ask the people who I have worked with for the past 5 years. Some of them have worked with me constantly day in day out and rarely have seen pessimism from me. I am often complimented by my colleagues, my boss, my boss's boss, etc about how positive I am - that I should try to spread the good cheer around to everyone. Ask most of my casual to kind-of-close acquaintances and they'll tell you the same. That's why I am often invited to a lot of parties - cuz I am the one that keeps people entertained (sometimes at my own expense) and socialize with everyone, ensuring everyone's having a good time. But ask some of the closest people in my life, and they'll tell you a different story altogether.

It's almost like I have a multiple personality disorder. There is a switch inside of me which gets turned on when I am out and about. It wasn't always like that. I mean, I have always had pessimistic tendencies (perhaps due to my not-so-nice-can't really-talk-about-don't really-want-to talk-about life experiences) but when I was younger I didn't really have two versions of me floating around. The outside me and the at-home me were one and the same. That didn't buy me many friends, just had 2 really close friends during my teenage years. But I was OK with that. I had my family and 2 close friends - I didn't need anything else. But as I grew older, a change came over me.. I never once consciously sat down and thought about changing the outside me.. it just happened and I can't even recall when it happened. And now its become like second nature to me - I keep the pessimism safely tucked away when I am in the company of anyone but my closest friends.

I probably sound like I am a fake person - may be I am but may be not. Because my pessimism is and has always been usually directed only at me. When my friends (including the close ones who know about my pessimism) need encouragement and support they turn to me. I believe it with sincerity when I tell them that things will get better. I help them get out of their rut. When they start doubting themselves, I try my best to restore their faith. Why then is it so hard for me to project some of this positivity towards myself? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I still see the glass as half empty and not half full?

My current back injury notwithstanding, I am happy with my life right now. Happy as in, if I look at my life objectively I have a lot, a lot to be thankful for. I have a decent job, am blessed with some amazing friends, I have the best family one could ever hope for. But every time I think of my love life, or lack thereof, I feel morbidly hopeless. This one thing missing in my life has the capacity to make everything else that is going well seem almost worthless. I am desperate to meet someone.. to fall in love with.. to hold hands with, to cuddle, to kiss.. to go movies with, to go picnics with, to cook dinner for, to eat dinner with, to share silly jokes with., to share my joys and fears... I want all of it and then some.. I am scared I may never find it again..

I don't know how people who are optimists are the way they are. Do our life experiences shape our thinking? Are optimists the way they are because good things always happen to them, or is the other way round - That good things happen to them because they are positive? I wish there was a pill I could take that cure me of my self-directed and self-inflicted negativity. Know of any such pills?

Woe is me

I am sick. Not sick as in swine flu sick or sick as in regular flu sick or sick as in fever, cold, cough, sore throat etc.. sick as in injured. Except I don't know how I injured myself.

I have had always been healthy and other than annual physicals I have rarely had to go see a doctor. But 2009 has not been too kind for me health wise and other wise, but we are not talking about the "other" wise here. Besides you already know about my "other" wise problems. It started right on the first of January with horrible stomach cramps, which eventually led to a visit to the emergency in the middle of the night - my first visit to the emerg. It resulted in a number of tests that lasted over a period of several months - without any concrete results, and since then it has been one thing after another. I have probably had more doctor visits this year alone than all of my life combined. OK, may be that's an exaggeration but you get my point.

The latest in the series of health problems came last week. I injured my lower back. I have no freakin clue how or when I managed to do that. Back pain sounds very causal but trust me it is the mother of all pains. The pain started around Saturday of the week before and kept getting progressively worse. First it was just my lower back then it extended to my right leg, then the right arm, my right shoulder and traps. Advil and Tylenol did not help me one bit. .The worst pain happened on Wednesday in the middle of a very important meeting that I was leading. I had to stop half way through and went straight to the emerg. I was bawling my eyes out and was embarrassed but still couldn't stop crying. God bless the health care system in Canada - it was at least 2.5 hours before I got to see the doc - I wanted to die - the pain was unbearable. The doctor seemed like a quack but he did give me Oxycocet and another narcotic muscle relaxant to help ease the pain. (Both of which I am told will fetch me big bucks on the street - something I should really consider doing since I am really short of money these days.. Any bids? )

So, all I have been doing since last week is lie on my couch, watch TV and shove my face with junk food.. my apartment is a pig sty littered with empty diet coke cans and take out containers. The drugs are making me feel really depressed - I don't know how people seem to get high from Oxycocet cuz all its done for me is make me feel like crap..

I went to see my family doctor today who said that I had a pinched sciatic nerve and some other smaller nerves in my back. She gave me some anti-inflammatory drugs to bring down the inflammation. I can't exercise for another 2 weeks - and if the pain still persists, I'll have to go for an MRI or a CT scan to figure out if it's something else.. I really hope it doesn't amount to that. I am getting better - I am able to sit and type, which I couldn't do before.. so there has been some improvement. But the lack of exercise is really taking a toll on my morale. I hate that I am stuck in my apartment when I could be outside hiking and taking in the beautiful fall colours. I have learned one thing through this ordeal - being sick sucks ass. I can take a lot of shit but I can't handle being sick.. we take our health for granted until it craps out on us. I hope I feel better soon..

And, finally on a totally unrelated note, I leave you with this very old melody by Rod Stewart - I absolutely love this song to death..

10 Signs the Matrix has you

I came across this article the other day and I wanted to share it with everyone. I know I personally struggle with some of these things myself, especially 1, 3, 5, 7 (sometimes) and definitely 9 and actually 10 too since I didn't even realize that these things were holding me back. Reading about them and realizing I have some of these issues really put them in the forefront for me to work on. Has the matrix got you? What are some your pitfalls?

I know you're out there. I can feel you now. I know that you're afraid... you're afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell you how it's going to begin. I'm going to hang up this phone, and then I'm going to show these people what you don't want them to see. I'm going to show them a world without you. A world without rules and controls, without borders or boundaries. A world where anything is possible. Where we go from there is a choice I leave to you. -Neo, The Matrix

The other day I was watching The Matrix for what was probably the 30th time; it is easily one of my favorites. In fact, I'd say that The Matrix is one of my top 5 personal development resources. Really. Upon detailed examination, the movie provides us with countless personal development lessons and metaphors for life.

I’m not going to tell you what the matrix is because nobody can really do that. It’s something you have to experience for yourself. But I can hopefully make you somewhat aware of the fact that the matrix has you because awareness is the first step towards breaking free.

1. You’ll believe it when you see it.
If you operate from the idea that you’ll believe it when you see it, then you’re a long way from unplugging. A core lesson of this movie is that you’ll see exactly what you believe. In fact, if you only did one thing to advance your development, choosing empowering beliefs would be the most valuable thing you could do.

2. Your purchases are status symbols.
If you purchase nice cars, designer labels, and other expensive items because you want to have other people complement you, think you are cool or anything along those lines, then you’re really not in control of your life. You’re letting the approval of others dictate your purchases. There’s nothing at all wrong with having these things but only if you genuinely enjoy them and want them for your own personal fulfillment.

3. Excessive concern with approval.
While this is similar to the above it extends beyond what you purchase. Many people take actions in their personal lives solely based on the approval of others. Yet, the ultimate irony is that trying so hard to gain the approval of others is exactly what makes them think less of you.

4. You follow the herd.
Conformity is overrated. The most successful people in society have been willing to go out on a limb, go against the herd. In the end the herd ends up following them. Be a leader, not a follower.

5. You never want to rock the boat.
Some people are so afraid of conflict that their opinion is never heard. I used to be completely afraid of conflict. The downside to holding it all in is that you eventually explode. Rock the boat every now and then and your ride through life will be much smoother.

6. You believe in fate.
If you believe in fate then you believe in some unexplainable force that controls your life. There’s no predestined life that you’re supposed to have. You are the architect of your life, and your beliefs are the blueprint.

7. You are a victim.
The victim mentality is one that unfortunately is somewhat supported by members of society. People always tell you how bad they feel for you, how sorry they are. I’m all for sympathy and being kind to people, but when you decide to wallow in all of this, you become a victim. Victims are slaves to the matrix. Others accept what happened and move on.

8. You don’t make your own decisions.
I’ve grown up in a community where kids are often told from an early age that the most noble profession they can pursue is becoming a doctor. I always wonder how many of these people really wanted to be doctors, and how many of their parents decided for them at an early age, and eventually a decision their parents made became their decision. This is just one of many areas in life where people don’t make their own decisions. Decide what YOU want.

9. You’re a slave to your emotions.
Emotions can be both empowering and detrimental. When you don’t learn to control your emotions then you tend to let them control you. It’s just one more area where you are not in control.

10. You’re completely unaware of any of the above.
Awareness is really the beginning of freeing yourself from the limitations of the matrix. The average person is living in a reality that is a reflection of the ideas and images in the world around them, rather than a reflection of what’s in their own mind.
The matrix is nothing more than a system of beliefs, social constructs, and programs designed to hold you back from reaching your full potential. Hopefully the advice above will help you begin to unplug. Free your mind, be peaceful, be patient, and the rest will follow.

Happy Friday and Happy Diwali

Two posts in one day! wow! Well, the last one that I posted was written two days ago so it's not like I wrote two of these one after another.. and besides that post was written in a pissy mood, this one's not :)

I am just glad it's Friday today and the work day is behind me.. I am in dire need of some time to sit and do nothing. This weekend will go by pretty fast though. Tonight is all about relaxing. I plan on opening a bottle of wine and catching up on some of my fav TV shows that I missed this week - Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice and Dancing with the Stars. I don't plan on cooking tonight so I just ordered some Pizza. (I have been eating a lot of junk food lately and it has started showing on my belly..urgh!) Tomorrow will be pretty hectic. I recently joined the local running club and on Saturdays we meet at 8 am. I also joined another volunteer organization and I am training to be a crisis responder. So tomorrow my schedule will be something like this: Wake up at 6.30 am, go for run, go for 7 hour training at the volunteer organization, come home and change to go for an hour of personal training, come home and get changed into traditional Indian dress - which I only get to do probably couple times a year so it's very special for me - I am planning on wearing a bright pink saree with silver sequins - and then head on over to friends for Diwali dinner. Lots of good food, bad for my belly 0 again. Saturday gone. Poof!



Diwali - for those who don't know it - is a festival celebrated by Hindus, Jains, Sikhs and some Buddhists. Diwali - something I celebrated every year with my family back in India growing up - was my favourite festival of the year. It used to be my dad's favorite too. Every year he would go all out and spend ridiculous amount of money just to make sure his kids had the best fireworks in the entire neighborhood. Of course mom didn't agree with his philosophy and thought that dad was wasting money and spoiling me and my brother but dad always won..

When I think of Diwali I am reminded of all the childhood memories - we always celebrated it with the extended family with so many first cousins, uncles and aunts - too many too count. The celebrations usually began a few days before Diwali and ended a couple days after - so we would all usually be in festive spirits for almost an entire week. It makes me very nostalgic thinking of those times.

I have been in Canada for almost a decade now and haven't celebrated Diwali in what feels like forever. Diwali day here is no different than any other day. Until 2 years ago I had no Indian friends (mostly because there aren't that many Indians where I live) and so didn't really get a chance to do anything on Diwali. But in the last 2 years I have gotten to know a couple Indian families and one of them has invited me over to their house for dinner tomorrow. Like Christmas, Diwali is also celebrated with your close family so I am really grateful to these people for inviting me into their home. At times like this, during Diwali, Christmas, New Years or Birthdays etc when everyone around me is in festive spirits and spending time with their family I really miss home, I get terribly home sick and miss my family. That's when living alone in a country with no family whatsoever really gets to me. That's when I feel really lonely and alone. That's when I want to leave all of this behind. Most other days I am strong and I am OK..

So, to those of you who are fortunate to be with your near and dear ones during this Diwali - have a wonderful, peaceful, full of spirits Diwali - make sure you enjoy and appreciate every second of it - not everyone is as fortunate as you are. And to those for whom Diwali means nothing, have yourselves a great weekend :)

Pissed Off

I wrote this two days ago but wasn't sure if I wanted to post it.. didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.. but I can't sit on this post anymore and have decided to publish it after all...

I am royally pissed today - OK not royally but I am pretty ticked off. This is the first time that the blogging world has got me ticked. In my short journey so far here in the blogging world I have only had good experiences, that is until this morning. May be I am over-reacting a bit but I do need to vent.

I am not an aggressive person, sometimes I wish I was. But I am a total wus. And that's why I don't want to point to any particular blog because I definitely don't want to attack any blog - I have seen a few instances of blog bashing - although that seems to happen a lot more to established bloggers with a few hundred if not few thousand followers. I came across a blog this morning (which I happen to enjoy reading for the most part) - it briefly touched on some news a while ago where there were some Indian students that were beaten in Australia. The whole point (I think) of the post wasn't so much about the attack but about whether the media was accurate in presenting the facts.

I thought that the author handled the topic a little callously. For those of you who didn't hear about it or see it in the news (things like this rarely make it as headline), see this and this. Attacks of similar nature had also happened right here in Canada. It's shocking to say the least, it's appalling, it's horrible, it hurts and is deeply saddening. And I felt that the author was a little insensitive when writing about something so delicate.. Actually the focus of the post wasn't really racism or racial attacks or anything, it was more about which news source was more accurate rather than the news itself. Objectively I understand that there is nothing wrong with it. Not everyone is affected by things the same way. But somehow I was deeply saddened by the post.

I don't think racism is a thing to take lightly. Yes, times have changed and things are certainly much better today than they were say 50 years ago but it's not like it is has completely been eliminated. And even if one person faces it, it sucks - especially if you are the recipient of such a behaviour.

I don't openly talk about social causes, especially of a controversial nature - things tend to get heated pretty quickly. And I realize that perhaps here too I am over-reacting. IRL(in real life) I would have kept my reactions to myself. I usually tend to bottle things up. But if there is one place where I am allowed to vent, it is here. This is my space and I get to decide what I say. What bugged me the most about this post was that the attack on the students wasn't really given any attention - as if that was an afterthought and the whole point of the post was about the authenticity of media these days.. I felt that the incidents in question were trivialized - as if it was OK if some students were being beaten - at least there weren't a lot. Just because only some students were attacked and not a lot doesn't make the problem benign. I wonder what number would qualify for people to take notice.. Or just because it happens in all countries and not just one doesn't make one country just as bad or just as good as the others. It isn't really about the country where the attack happened as much as it is about the reason of the attack.

Perhaps I misunderstood the post, perhaps my anger is misdirected at the blog instead of stuff going on in my life, esp what the doctor told me today... whatever the reason, I am just very angry today.

I need some stiff drink to get me to calm down, and it's only 2 in the afternoon. Jack and Diet anyone?